I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
