Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Im part way to drunk.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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