proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We got so high we made milksteak
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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