I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish you could order shots online.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
