Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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