I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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