did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
