i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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