Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
