Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
