it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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