The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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