my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize