Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
