I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I have already put on my inside pants.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
