Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
