I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
