we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize