Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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