Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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