69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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