In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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