My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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