I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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