so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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