so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize