We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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