Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
