go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
