genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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