We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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