I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize