dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
and she was petting her beer can
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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