I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
