Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
