I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
