Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
3pm strippers are depressing
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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