whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
