I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
