you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
