this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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