when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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