I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
