Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
