It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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