my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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