It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
