We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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