I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
what day is it and did you see me today?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
