Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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