dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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