every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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