I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
