I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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