I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Who died my cat blue again?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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