I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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