Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
